Below is a re-post from Indian Homemaker’s sharing of the tragic news. Death, and loss are part of life, but each time it strikes, it is like a gut-wrenching, bodily blow below the belt. For us, the other members of blogosphere, even if we did not know each other personally, our hearts and souls prayed endlessly for a miracle for Tejaswee. It was not to be. We now pray that the family may stay strong and find peace to come to terms with their loss. But it never is just that, a loss. It is also a time when the brightest of moments of the time together come to the fore, and a great deal of positivity stems from that. Here, is what IHM has shared on her blog.

Hugs and Prayers, IHM. To say we share your feelings, is inadequate, we know, but we do.

******

Born: 19th Jan 1991.

Died: 11th Aug 2010.

Tejaswee’s blog.

A LETTER TO THE FUTURE..

http://blabberblah.wordpress.com/2009/08/25/a-letter-to-the-future/

LAST POST WRITTEN ON 29TH JULY, was after this one.

http://blabberblah.wordpress.com/2010/07/22/college-again-and-my-shift-key-breaks/

It’s difficult for me to talk about it now. All I would say is we have decided it would help tremendously to channelize our grief in some positive direction. A relative hugged me during her funeral and said, “Now this grief will go with you to your grave. Till the last moment of your life, till your last breath, this baby you gave birth to and loved is going to make you cry.” And suddenly something snapped. My daughter was an easy child to raise. My dearest friend and my closest ally, a confidante, a companion, we talked endlessly, we shopped, we read, we laughed at the same things and I never had to face any of the parenting problems one hears about. I feel I was extremely fortunate to have her with me for the best nineteen and a half years of my life. The thought of crying and not smiling fondly whenever I thought of her – a girl who never made anybody cry… I knew I did not want that.

We have all decided to talk about her without bitterness. One of her closest friends visited me and helped reactivate her Facebook account. (I had persuaded Tejaswee to deactivate it last month because I felt she was spending too much time on facebook). We have decided to understand that everybody has to go someday, she left earlier than we would have liked. We have decided to see which of her causes we can support. One of the thoughts is to start a scholarship in her name, maybe a fund. I would appreciate suggestions for this. And also any suggestions that help us stay positive.

Indian Homemaker

She was once
Ostracised by society
Thrust into the obscure background
to be an inauspicious entity.

Ten, twenty, thirty-
However many summers
Her life may have seen
She was now to lead a wintry existence.

Her mind was a darkened room
No ray of happiness to relieve the dull decor
Happiness? A thing of the past
Memories, of another life, dreams
Were all she had.

Unwanted, wretched, miserable, neglected-
With a shaven head and a haggard look
Draped in a faded white sari
She sat (nigh on two centuries ago)
In a corner of a room in her brother’s house.

A little boy saw her through the window
And exclaimed: Oh look Ma! At that dirty ol’ ayah!
Ma looked up, and turned her nose up too
With her lips curling into a sneer, said-
Don’t look, son, she’s an Indian Widow!

The hands of the clock move on steadily
Untiringly they passed, ten, twenty, thirty…
A hundred years more.

And steadily occurred changes
The Parliament moved into action
And brought legal, logical changes;
Law, the agent of social control, gave justice
And widows figured mighty prominently.

She moved forward, and away
From the obscure mists of injustice
And developed an entity, and identity.

Some said, (the laws did her such good, that)
She positively bloomed!
Well, to say the least
As the years fled by,
So did her inhibitions
She became a woman, normal as the next one
And sustained her authority in society.

Yet, again, she became the cynosure of all eyes…
Married women said, of her, (enviously)
She was lucky, she could have such FUN
It was like this young man, who asked his mother
About a beautiful, gregarious lady he’d seen at a party
Oh look Mom! who’s that dazzling beauty?
And Mom, poor Mom, turned green with envy
And replied: Don’t look son, she’s the Merry Widow!

Down it echoed through the halls of time
Till it reached the ears of Ma-
Who still maintained that the lady was
An Indian Widow.

1983

[The above is an ancient, rather childish write, of an aeon ago, written at a versification competition, in college]

Widowhood in India is an exceptional status, for ever so many reasons. Centuries ago, as per the rules laid down in Manusmriti, and a male dominated society, who perhaps thought it would be life-threatening to accord too much of a status to women, women began to be subjugated. It is interesting to note that in the Srimad Bhagvatam, in the chapters on the Varnas, and the Manvantaras, and the Canto XI, in which Uddhava is given advice on life and society, there is much said about how women should behave, and their comport, etc. which is highlighted by the different acharyas who explain it, at the Sapthahams, but never do they give any emphasis on what men are to do, as part of their duty as well, which is clearly outlined as well- that they respect women, undertake certain duties in the household…; that part is conveniently glossed over!

And so to the status of a widow, in India. From someone who fell to being no-one only because her husband is no more, she has a load to carry. Of expectations, of non expectations too. Expected to be a certain sort of person. Not expected to ever be happy without her spouse by her side, or be part of any auspicious things in a household.

Well, law has banned the practice of Sati. Which perhaps is unique to India. The ultimate proof given of how devoted one is to one’s husband. Indeed a crime, it is by law. But how far has it been implemented? Aren’t modern day Satis still revered? Has anyone ever asked them if they truly did want to be one?

Ok, Sati is perhaps a bit extreme. Why don’t we discuss re-marriage? A widower who does, gets empathy, advice, and encouragement, more so if there are children to take care of. A widow? Even in this day and age, there is only a small percent of women who actually re-marry, and those who do, face much by way of opposition, maybe not confrontational, but subtle and equally disturbing.

A colleague of mine, someone I really looked up to, had this to say, about how undertaking and observing certain fasts, and special days, makes you blessed. There is version of the Karva Chauth, here in Kerala, where women celebrate their marriage, and those who are single pray for a good man. It’s called Thiruvathira, and it occurs sometime around December/January. It is supposed to mark the celebration of Lord Shiva’s birthday by his consort, Parvathi Devi. Women, on that day, pay their obeisance to Lord Shiva, and do not eat rice, or anything to do with rice that day. A special payasam made of arrowroot powder is prepared; they are to eat only certain kinds of vegetables, and finally have beetel leaves and nuts (like paan)- at least 101 beetel leaves! They sing songs, do the Kaikottikali (it is also called Thiruvathira kali), play on swings, etc.

Now, this colleague was telling us how a woman from her hometown was blessed because she observed this day, and the fast religiously all her life. She had an abusive husband, and alcoholic too, but she was blessed because of this observance on her part! Another friend and I rejoiced, when we thought that it must have surely helped change her husband! The kinky part is here: our mutual colleague tells us, in hushed tones, that she died, before her husband did, as a “Sumangali”! That was the blessed part!!! Jeez! To say I was aghast at the thought of an educated, literate, woman of the world mouthing this to me, is putting it way too mildly. So, in effect, all those whose husbands are no more, are sadly not blessed at all! What a thought!!

Even in this day and age, is prevalent, such notions, and much discrimination.

So, if a widow remarries, is she brazen? But a widower who does is given sympathy!

If a widow would like to participate in certain functions, there is a natural bar and she cannot, because she is not a Sumangali! Is that Justice?

A woman who can go on with life, and seem to enjoy it, without her husband, who is no more, is being disrespectful to his memory?

I find myself deeply angered by these notions, these expectations we foist, when we forget she is just another person, and woman, with the same needs, fears and life as others.

Indian government announced that the country would celebrate January 24th every year as ‘National Girl Child Day’.

Why do we need a special day to spread awareness about girl child?
Why is it that even today one gender finds it tough to be part of mainstream society?

Chutki’s picture courtesy http://www.womeninanimation.in/blog/?page_id=2

Meet Chutki…..go here to see her playing to her heart’s content.
She will steal your heart…..I guarantee you that…..
Just don’t steal her life……and all that is rightfully hers…

Another Chutki could have been someone’s daughter….
But she was killed before she was even born…

This Chutki too, is a product of someone’s imagination, an animation on the computer, nothing more…
For,she too ,battles to come into this world….
She is fighting to be born…
To be someone’s daughter..

A family that will not just love her but make her feel cherished too….Daughters….so much has been written about them…

Here in India, daughters, those of us who were lucky enough to be born, are fighting a battle so that daughters continue to be born in the years to come..

In this land, where women have been blessed since ages with ”सौ पुत्रवती भव ”(May you be blessed with a hundred sons) ……the battle ..nay, the war becomes even tougher..But it is not just about the girls who are being killed even as we speak, still in the womb, not allowed even a glimpse of this world. Not even a breath.

It is also about those girls who are killed immediately after they are born. Female infanticide they call it.
If, however, the girl is lucky enough to escape these two hells, then she has more lying in wait for her.’
Malnutrition, a bias towards her, and preferential treatment for her brothers,’dowry death ‘awaits her after she gets married.
These are the missing women of India.

This is the tale of a society so grotesque, one that worships millions of goddesses everyday and yet murders its daughters without even a qualm.

[Human populations in most countries have a natural gender ratio of about a 100 men to 105 women.In 1986, based on an average expected ratio for third world countries (which was slightly reduced from that for developed countries), the Nobel Laureate, Dr. Amartya Sen, calculated that approximately 37 million women were “missing” from India. These were women who should have been part of the population but could not be accounted for.

The term “missing,” first used by Dr. Sen actually means eliminated.

———————————————-
They will fight for all that is ours…..
They will heal…
They will teach new generations…..
They will be carers,nurturers,doctors,lawyers,soldiers,professors….
They will keep this world safe for those not yet born….
But first, just let them be born…..

In a country, where blessings for sons have been present since ages and where none exist for daughters, it is time that we made some…
So, next time gather up your courage, challenge some old, deeply entrenched dogmas and give a blessing from your heart…

”सौ पुत्रीवती भव ”
”May you be blessed with a hundred daughters”

Believe me, no one will be as grateful as the one for whom you have spoken…

Imagine a world without the girl child….or are we already close to making this a horrendous reality?

[This was published on this blog almost a year back. To read the entire article please go here.]

[ © Usha Pisharody of

Audacious smiles
laughter ringing clear-
warm hugs and
little sudden pecks on my cheeks!

A whirlwind of a girl;
now here, gone in a flash!
endearing entreaties-
unquestioning love!

Long long hours of girlish talk-
boys, books, heroes and men!
Life, love, trust and THAT!

Confiding giggles-
while ogling the boys…;)
summing them up, then
walking by in disdain!!

Cheering her up
when sadness strikes-
being there for her…
just in case, she asks!

Holding her hand-
without her knowing..
as only moms can do;
though she, being mine,
would know it too…!!!

Sharing myself with her-
my fears, my joys
my secrets, and my ploys-

Ending the day in warmth
so wonderful
so fierce and filling..

Wishing each mother had
a daughter..
so like mine!!

(Usha is also one of the pillars of NGI)

- Belated Happy Father’s day to my Papa

Ten minutes back I got a really good intellectual mail about some story related to spirits and the mail ended with some common and very well accepted generalization that MOTHER’s play bigger role in child’s upbringing than the FATHER’s do.

But I m not buying this generalization at any cost. This is what I feel.

You just cant generalize that mothers play a bigger role in child’s up bringing… it depends family to family, house to house, person to person…there must be numerous cases where father’s have played a bigger role in child’s life.

No doubt mothers take care of their kids from their bath to their studies to their friend circle to their dirty nails to their parent-teacher meetings…but its father who give them all what make life look so simple and easy going…

Father is a figure of sacrifice and discipline. Kids and mothers buy new things on every here and there occasions but I have never seen any father doing such expenditure just because he is committed towards his responsibility of giving his family all comforts.

This is what makes a Father

God took the strength of a mountain,

The majesty of a tree,

The warmth of a morning summer sun,

The calm of a quiet sea,

The generous soul of dew,

The comforting arm of night,

The wisdom of the ages,

The power of the eagle’s flight,

The patience of eternity,

The depth of a family need,

Then God combined these qualities,

When there was nothing more to add,

He knew His masterpiece was complete,

And so,

He called it … My Father

He is your hero, guide and friend.

He is always there for you with his love maybe not carrying it on his face or lips but his eyes and hearts are flooded with it.

Remembering his presence near my bed when I get sick, remembering his presence outside the examination centers when I come out after finishing my exam, remembering his presence when he gives me 10 times what I ask for, It makes me feel both proud, happy and emotional.

Though I am not a believer of Father’s day because wishing father happy father’s day seems more like out of formality but still I WISH MY FATHER A BELATED FATHER’S DAY. THANKS FOR EVERYTHING. I LOVE YOU PAPA!!

Packed with All Emotions- The Complete Man!!

Excuse me for being a little angry here but what is it with (some/many?) Indian men and their huge sense of entitlement? Perhaps I should add a caveat here. You may (if you are a man) jump in and say, but, not all of us are like that. True, true. But, here’s the thing – there are enough such scum around that incidents like this one are only too common – a 25 year old woman in Mumbai, a mother of two, was gang raped and then burnt, it appears, simply because one of the assailants had been rejected by her a few years ago. Acid attacks on women who have turned down a man or broken off a relationship are only too well known.

It is a normal human tendency to feel sad when rejected by anybody. But, where is this sense of entitlement and anger coming from? Why this feeling that she must like me, I am too good to be rejected, I cannot possibly be turned down?

In my opinion, this starts out with the preferential treatment that many boys receive at home. Let’s start with simple things like the traditional Indian style of eating where the mother cooks and keeps serving while others eat, and then has her meal once everyone is done. The girls in the family too are roped in to help mother in the kitchen, as soon as they are old enough. The boys? The boys sit and eat their hearts’ fill. Perhaps this is why I’ve often seen men help themselves and even empty the vessel without any thought of whether the women who will eat later will have enough. When the message is that everything revolves around you, why bother to contradict that?

Food is just one of the many ways in which boys are subtly and un-subtly told that they are better, that they deserve the best, that in fact, whoever denies them what they want is simply wrong. In case you think it is only a few backward people who behave like this – unfortunately not. The scale of discrimination may be smaller in urban families but it is still there. Boys may be allowed to set the table, for instance, but in South Indian households, they will still rarely be allowed to clean up after meals the traditional way, where you sprinkle water and use your hand to clean. This is demeaning to them you see, although its perfectly ok for girls. Ecchal Idardu is what we call it in Tamizh, a concept difficult to translate into any non-Indian language, but would roughly correspond to jhoota saaf karna (झूठा साफ़ करना) in Hindi. I remember once going to a relative’s house, where after lunch, their two boys were excused while I, the guest was asked to clean up, because, that’s what girls are supposed to do!

It goes on in many other ways, including the amount of freedom girls and boys are allowed. (Girls are told that this is for their own safety, while the truth is that many crimes against women occur at home and are perpetrated by relatives and so-called friends). Of course, while every other Indian household is this way, not every boy raised this way is going to become a killer or acid-thrower. We can’t deny though that such conditioning is a great way to make boys (and the men they become) think that the world owes them everything. It develops a false sense of manliness based on others kow-towing to you rather than on reciprocal, affectionate relationships.

Movies too have a role in promoting this ideal of manliness. Mainstream South Indian movies have taken this to an extreme with the Cult of the Eve-Teasing Hero, who mysteriously, gets (often, more affluent and educated) beautiful women to fall for him because of or inspite of the tactics he uses, which the more sane among us would only call sexual harassment. Great role models for boys in this country! Should we wonder that some among this lot aspire to darker versions of what their heroes practise on screen?

Recently I met a friend of mine from college days after a long gap. We had been rather close and used to spend a lot of time talking about whatever came to our minds. Gender inequality we faced was on of our favourite topics. We discussed it with passion. We were unanimous on one thing: we were NOT going to discriminate between our son and daughter when we married and had children of our own. Oh no sir!

Destiny did not put me to the test. It gave me sons, a pair of them. I was disappointed at not having daughters for the simple reason that I couldn’t prove to the world how those daughters were going to be brought up without discrimination unlike how I had been. I had been waiting to thumb my nose at the world in general and at remarks people were wont to make and to stand steadfast by my daughter(s). I consoled myself that I could prove my point when the time came by doing the same for my daughters-in-law. In the meantime, I tried to inculcate the right values in my sons.

My friend on the other hand was blessed with a son and a daughter. She had ample opportunity to put into practice what we so passionately believed in and discussed during college days. But as the evening wore on, I felt restless. Was this the same girl I knew back in college? Her conversation was peppered with a lot of ‘I was telling my daughter, men will always be men. Women have to adjust…….and more of such juvenile thought process” I was horrified. Where was that firebrand I knew back in the old days?? And what did she mean putting such regressive ideas into the head of her daughter, the new generation?? I was totally disappointed. And yet she claimed to have brought up her children as equals. Hmm…

Visiting her I noticed that she called her daughter to serve the guests a cold drink or for help in the kitchen. In my own house, my boys would serve cold drinks to the guests. Was it because I did not have a daughter, I asked myself. I admitted, perhaps out of habit, that “conditioning,” even I would have been tempted to call my daughter, if I had one, for help. But then breaking that “conditioning” is what we had talked about so passionately. I knew that even if such “conditioned” thoughts came unbidden to my mind, I would brush them aside consciously and do the right thing. Well that was me. Apparently my friend had succumbed ‘unconsciously to social pressure.

One day while relaxing over a cup of tea and pakodas, husbands in tow, she started laughing and told me of a conversation she had with her children earlier in the day over the phone. It seems that her ‘lazy’ son had appointed his sister to wash his undies on the weekends she visited him from her college hostel as they now stayed in the same city. His other clothes were given to the dhobhi. Till then he had washed them himself. Now that he was employed he gave the duty to his sister dangling the carrot of pocket money. The daughter who is still a student agreed. My friend was laughing at her son’s evident laziness and ‘smartness’ for finding a way out of doing some work. My husband and hers were laughing away too. I did not find it funny.

I wondered if the daughter had been older, and the brother younger, would the son wash his sister’s undies for her?? Would the parents have allowed it?? I could just imagine the horror on her face and that of her husband, in fact my husband too if I asked that question. So I kept mum. I wondered how they could see the funny side of it and not the less funny and discriminatory side of it. The father was even suggesting that the daughter should have held out for some more pocket money, as the son was earning well enough.

Am I over reacting?? I don’t know. But it revolts me that we should be “conditioned” enough to think that a brother washing clothes for his sister is a no-no but its merely a laughing matter (and the done thing) the other way round. I laid the matter before my sons later in the day. The elder son was merely amazed that such a thing was happening. The younger one flatly refused, saying, “I wouldn’t do that for him (elder bro) even if he offered me good money. (he washes his own undies by the way) But both of them were unanimous on one thing, the boy should not make his sister do something that he wouldn’t do for her. Ok, that is fair enough. That is exactly my point. But would he?? Would the parents allow it??

How difficult it is to come out of ‘conditioned’ thinking? Washing, cooking, laying the table, serving guests, sweeping, mopping are all woman’s work! I really don’t know how much I have succeeded in impressing my own children about gender equality. After all they live in the same society and see the difference in treatment meted out to women all around them. But I can say that I have tried my best and on occasions have argued my point with vehemence when they have unconsciously repeated ‘conditioned’ remarks heard elsewhere. I hope when the time comes, they treat their spouses the right way. But no matter, if they don’t, they have me to reckon with!
]]> http://nogenderinequality.wordpress.com/2009/08/18/conditioned-thinking-how-to-break-away-from-it/feed/ 12 nogenderinequality http://nogenderinequality.wordpress.com/2009/08/07/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-%e2%80%98mother%e2%80%99/ http://nogenderinequality.wordpress.com/2009/08/07/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-%e2%80%98mother%e2%80%99/#comments Fri, 07 Aug 2009 19:57:00 +0000 nogenderinequality http://nogenderinequality.wordpress.com/2009/08/07/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-%e2%80%98mother%e2%80%99 ]]> [Guest post contribution by Shailaja Mohan of Shail's Nest.]

An elephant does it. So does a goat, orangutan, polar bear, tiger, puma… Yeah they all do, give birth I mean just like countless other mammals on earth including humans. There is a difference though. While after giving birth, the rest of them go about their business of being a mother quietly, humans (the one human that gave birth and the rest of the crowd consisting of women and men) crow and trumpet about it, some among them continuing to do so throughout their lives, never letting their offspring or anyone else forget what a great and noble act was theirs. ‘Pathu maasam chumannu, nonthu prasavichu’ (Bore you for ten months, of course technically wrong, and gave painful birth) go the Malayali mothers (in real and reel life) and I am sure their counterparts elsewhere have something similar up their sleeve to keep those errant and not so errant but merely independent (which it seems is the greatest sin in the eyes of most mothers) children in line.

It IS a tough act, no doubt to it. But please spare me all those paeans sung in praise of mother and motherhood. Please spare me also the worship and adoration. Please spare me all that (nonsense) talk of divinity. Please spare me that place reserved for mothers over there on that too tall (and shaky to boot) pedestal which makes one look ridiculous apart from the danger and discomfort of standing on it impersonating an inanimate stone statue while the rest of you burn incense sticks suffocating one in its smoke, burying one beneath garlands of tributes and chanting praises to mother and motherhood till one goes deaf…. And all for what??! For going through the perfectly natural biological act of giving birth?! Give me a break society.

Yes, I am a mother. So what??

I am no God-like figure.

I am no superhuman.

I am not an inanimate object/stone idol.

I am not an asexual being.

So stop treating me like all of the above just because I have given birth.

I am human.

I am made of flesh and blood like the rest of you.

I have all the human feelings and failings.

I laugh, cry, get angry and stressed. I may scream, throw something in frustration. I love with all my heart. I also hurt. I desire, long and yearn. At times I may feel jealous, envious, disillusioned, and delusional. I need love, sex, sympathy, care, pampering.

I sometimes hurt with innocent remarks or barbed words spoken in frustration. I forgive the worst of mistakes. I expect to be forgiven too.

Sometimes I am down in the dumps, I am lost. I need a hand to pull me out of my despair or at least railings to hold on to pull myself out. Don’t think/assume that because I am a mother everything becomes alright magically. I need affection, a caressing hand, a warm breast to lay my head when I feel cold and alone. I think you are the world, but I need to be made to feel I am the world too for someone, somewhere.

I am scared at times, unsure too. I make mistakes, I may want to walk out, start afresh. Instead of kicking me down, accusing me that a mother cannot, help me start over again. I am also capable of hate. I lash out, strike, spew venom. I may have my moods. I may look forlorn and morose. Don’t expect that ‘mother’ is a synonym for the mannequins in the malls or worse still, the models who are paid good money to do a bit of smiling for a short time in front of movie cameras. I also look frumpy most times quite unlike them, though I try not to.

I fall sick (remember I am human). I need the doctor, maybe someone to listen to my real or imaginary aches and pains. I want to be left alone just like you all want at times. I want to do my own things, not to be at your beck and call at all times. I have likes and dislikes. It is not always about your likes and dislikes. Respect my privacy. Motherhood does not mean my life is an open house for you all to walk in and out when it pleases you.

Don’t talk down to me, talk to me; you may know a lot of things. I know a few things too. Don’t treat me as if I have half a brain. I may not be used to certain things, so may take longer to learn or simply won’t be up to mark in some. Don’t poke fun or make unkind remarks as if I don’t exist. I do. Don’t assume (or expect) that ‘sacrifice’ is my middle name. Don’t worship me as you do the idol in the temple and then walk out to forget me till the next time you need something.

Yes, I became a mother when I gave birth, a biological act that has been assigned to me by Nature as of now. But that does not make me a saint with superhuman capabilities.

I am no God-like figure.

I am no superhuman

I am not an inanimate object/stone idol.

I am not an asexual being.

So stop treating me like all of the above just because I have given birth.

I am human.

I am made of flesh and blood like the rest of you.

I have all the human feelings and failings.

Treat me like one, just like you treat each other. Is that asking too much??

My Mother:

It is often said that the force of character to handle stress is so much more in a woman than in a man. I personally know that it is true as I have seen my mother battle her way through so much.

The very basic characteristic of any human is his/her tenacity to survive against all odds. But unfortunately, that tenacity was found lacking in my dad. There was once a time when his business was doing great and money kept pouring in but unfortunately, due to some bad deals and even worse “friends”, he lost all of it when I was about 12.

He took to alcohol in a big way and pretty soon, lost all sense of what it took to be a good dad, what it took to be a good husband and he started living in his megalomaniac dreams of grandeur; a situation from which he has not recovered to this day. And he soon deserted us to live his life in solitude.

Coming from a very orthodox family, this incident was a major shock to all my relatives and they tried to bring him back into the fold. I still remember in my 9th standard visiting an AA clinic to meet my “dad” and there inside was a “decrepit stranger” whom I did not know and that incident still rankles as the most embarrassing moment of my life.

I was hurt, shocked and unable to control my emotions at that time and I could have gone either way. I could have become the psychotic extrovert or I could have become the deeply pained, shy introvert scarred for life. But it was thanks to my mother than I remained normal, remained grounded. Yes, being normal was an important attribute for me at that time.

Once a teacher by choice and interest, it soon became an important income source for her and she did initially struggle to make ends meet.

But more importantly, I am what I am thanks to her. She had the power to absorb so much and still walk around with a smile, a smile that used to light up the entire house. Nothing ever did depress her; no problem was too great to overcome. If I can say that I had a normal childhood, without any worries, it was thanks to her. If today, I can stand up and say that I aim to be a good human being and a good husband/father in the future, it is thanks to her.

I still remember as a kid, how she used to take everything in her stride and not blame “life” for it. During that initial period, the problems were many (legal, financial and emotional) and the solutions too few. I personally believe that a mortal of lesser strength would have fallen ill at that point but nope, she never gave up; she never gave up on her dream of bringing up her kids the right way, never gave up on her dream of educating school kids. A strong woman, who never cut corners, who inculcated in her kids, the importance of words like “honesty and integrity”.
The old wise folks say, “Mata, Pita, Guru, Deivam” and that saying is very true!!!

This is my tribute to this wonderful lady; my mother, my guru, my friend and my guide.

This is my tribute to this wonderful lady; a woman who could stay stoic against all insurmountable odds and yet cry at the drop of a hat when watching a film.

I do not call her “amma” these days. I call her “mon ami” (“my friend” in French).
God bless!!

[Guest Post Contributed by Anju Gandhi of 'Awakening']

I attended a marriage last month. Some details of the marriage:

Sangeet in a five star hotel with a guest list of 800+ (that includes not only relatives or friends but distant business colleagues or acquaintances and their family.

Marriage in open ground ( big enough to accommodate more than 2000 guests) fresh flowers decorations everywhere ( orchids, roses etc), fireworks, sparkling lights all over, games for children,valet parking arrangements for the odd 2000 guests, more than 150 dishes in the buffet spread ( Punjabi, Rajasthani, Guajarati, Maharastrian Mexican, Chinese, continental, Italian , you name the dish and it was there)

Brides outfit (minus the jewellery) more than Rs one lakh)

Gifts given by the bride’s family to the groom’ family (mind you to the grooms family not to the groom or the bride) – diamond jewellery to immediate family members (including the male members, gold to other relatives, 21 saris to grooms mother only clothes for all near relatives, silver glasses to distant relatives AND this is besides the dowry which was given to the bride.

Bride a Doctor

Groom a MBA

AND ALL THE EXPENSES BORNE BY THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE

Out of those 2000 odd guests only few knew the couple. Rest like me were guests who didn’t know even the parents. (I had accompanied my husband and father in law as they were also acquaintances of the father)

I wonder why the so called educated, modern and liberated couple didn’t object to this sheer wastage of money. Why they did not put their foot down to lavish gifts given or the dowry given and when asked the couple they replied “can’t help it, in our community all this has to be done”.

How can a self respecting. decently placed boy expect his wife to bring dowry. after all equality of gender is also something.

Why the girls family is expected to spend so much on the marriage. After all, the girl is equally educated and most of the parents don’t differentiate these days between girls and boys then why do the parents of a girl have to shell out so much to see their daughter married off. Is the daughter a burden on them? Is it a crime to have a daughter or see her settled in life with a decent boy?

Is it only the girl who is getting married? Is the boy not getting a wife who will leave her house, her family to come to live with him, his family and make all of them a part of her own family?

Why doesn’t the boy’s family also contribute equally to the marriage functions? Why it is expected from the girl’s side only to bear the expenses of the marriage function.

More important why squander so much on marriage functions and invite each and every one. Why can’t this money be given to the couple to start their life with more comforts? After all, the money is being spent by the parents. Give as much as you want to your daughter but why blow the hard earned money on strangers?

I suppose marriage is a family function where only close relatives and family friends should be present to bless the couple (we didn’t even go to wish the couple for simple reasons that we didn’t know the couple and there was a long queue near the stage, we just wished the parents and left), I just thought what was the need for them to invite us or hundreds of others. Was it just to show off their riches or to show off the long guest list or to promote their business?

Fine, parents who can afford to spend so much, spend but think of parents who are financially not well off, it becomes a burden for them to see their daughter married. That is why a daughter is not welcomed in many of Indian families.

Even after the huge dowry given (which according to me is the price given to buy the boy for the girl but in our culture which is seen as the price given to the boy to marry the daughter, as if the daughter is a liability on the parents, the sooner she is disposed off, the better it is for the parents) the girl doesn’t get respect or her due place at her inlaws place.

I am all for celebrating the marriage with all traditions and customs, having all the ceremonies , giving gifts to the couple but only because I want to give not because it is expected from me being the brides parents,after all we parents earn for our children and we want them to have all the comforts and facilities,( I would like to have all the possible ceremonies for my daughter’s marriage, follow all the customs) but with only close friends and relatives who are a part of your family and who will be happy for the couple but why invite the whole town to witness your propserity or why take loans just to maintain your name in the society ( no one will come to rescue you from the clutches of loan givers once you fail to return the loan).

If the parents wants to give to the couple go ahead and give if you can afford but please don’t make a public display of your affluence.

And to the young generation especially the boys who are on the threshold of marriage, stand up, raise your voice against dowry or display of opulence of your parents in the name of tradition and customs.. Take whatever your parents can give you, even demand (after all you have the right to and it is yours only) but don’t advertise it. Think of lakhs of family who cannot afford to do so. and even if they can afford it.

]]> http://nogenderinequality.wordpress.com/2009/07/02/stand-up-young-generation/feed/ 12 nogenderinequality http://nogenderinequality.wordpress.com/2009/06/08/she/ http://nogenderinequality.wordpress.com/2009/06/08/she/#comments Mon, 08 Jun 2009 17:36:00 +0000 nogenderinequality http://nogenderinequality.wordpress.com/2009/06/08/she ]]> [Guest Post Contributed by Imp's Mom]

SHE

She is worshiped
She is treasured
She is given all the luxuries of life that can be offered

Yet

She does not have Freedom

Freedom to make her own choices
Freedom to make her own mistakes
Freedom to live her life in her own terms
Freedom to learn from her own mistakes

Give her an education
Give her a chance to make it worthwhile
Give her a chance to grow, show her the love and watch her blossom

She is no less than a son.

Say NO to Gender Inequality and Female Infanticide.

The not very unlikely juxtaposition of a quote from Solilo‘s post and a conversation with a friend of mine sowed the seed of thought for this post. This is the quote from Solilo’s blog post “Brusque” –

“Do not keep quiet in the face of injustice and gender bias. Those who knowingly
keep quiet are as guilty as the perpetrators of injustice”

And how are they related? Well, they are related because my friend is a woman, working in a reputable multinational software company has been the victim of sexual discrimination. This MNC tries hard to maintain a decent sex-ratio, and I guess it is because of some tax incentive they get. Now my friend, let’s call her Mridul (she is very polite), and her colleague and friend, let’s call her Aparajita (she is very spunky), have together faced the brunt. Their victimization has been so subtle, nondescript, and insidious, that even they failed to notice it. Or, they did sense it, but did nothing about it, because as a woman, you are used to facing a more than average resistance than your average man faces. They, being the decent and helpful creatures (and confound them for being nice), have been facing a slew of shit since the day they joined their team.

Before I start telling you their story, let me tell you, that it suddenly dawned upon me ; what they have been facing is not just due to the misfortune of working in a software company in recession hit times as a fresher, but a significant portion of this “crap” has been dumped upon them on account of their sex. In one moment of epiphany, all the stories I heard over the past 5 months fell in place, illustrating the real picture. And it is ugly, sad and absolutely preposterous.

Here is the scenario – Mridul and Aparajita are freshers as I told you, and they were on bench for quite some time. For those fortunate enough never to have heard this term before, let me tell you what it means. It means that you are rusting. Your company has no work for you. And in these times, the axe may fall anytime. So these girls , along with another guy , one of the protagonists of our bitter-and-real life story , whom I shall name Mahamoorkh Chapanduk Pakhandi ( A big fool – A duffer – A hypocrite ) , i.e. M.C.P. , were grouped informally as a team , to be trained for the particular project soon-to-be-their team was working on. They were not formally allocated , but rather on their way to allocation. That is a like a state of limbo, between heaven and hell, neither here nor there.So the three of them started their training. This involved mastering a technology, by doing and learning. And these three, as unofficial members of the team, had no access to individual computers, but rather had to share one. Three people – One computer. That is shocking on an altogether different level, for the MNC is multi-billion dollar company.
Anyway, I think you all get an idea of what happened. One computer shared by three people, all of whom were supposed to practice their theory. Clashes were imminent and unavoidable. But after the initial unrest, the girls worked out things between them. But then, one computer, shared by two girls and one M.C.Pakhandi. This jackass, instead of being a gentleman and a professional, and trying to adapt to the situation, eventually turned out to be a pukka MCP, one that would make any other MCP proud. Like a wolf in a sheep’s clothing, eventually he showed his true ugly colors. Now, Shreeman Pakhandi , hogged the computer , rarely offered them the one chair they all had to share or relinquished control of the mouse/keyboard .He went through the material they all had to study together at his own pace. If he ever did offer any help and/or the computer, it was more out of condescension, rather than a genuine sense of fair play and team spirit. It was a gesture of magnanimity, doled out to make the other feel small and insignificant. Whenever these girls expressed their difficulty in grasping some concept or the other, it emanated a smile from him, one which said “You dumb girls”, the emphasis being more on ‘girl’ than ‘dumb’.A completely unrelated, and yet, a significant incident. There is a quiz where you have to write the name of girl, the first one that comes to your mind. Now the jackass who came up with this quiz, was probably banking upon the fact , that like him , most other males would also write the name of the girl they are secretly or openly in love with. The purpose of this charade being to ascertain the name of your love, so that your friends can have a nice time pulling your leg. So our friend, Mahamoorkh, in the presence of Mridul and Aparajita, wrote a name. And as expected, the girls started teasing. And can you take a shot in the dark, and think up what his response was?“I do not think of her like that. She is NOT beautiful”. Now you call me a loon, but this gives an insight into his character. Had the words been “I am not attracted to her”, it would have been no more than a blip on the radar. But the ones that actually came out suggest that, to him, Love is a by-product of sexual attraction. From that, I conclude that either he is sees woman as sex-objects, and only those beautiful or hot enough are worthy of his love. I may be wrong. I hope I am.Our friend, M.C.Pakhandi, then ganged up with a fellow pig, lets call him Sidekick Swine (Pigs are in the air, eh?) , and two of them together, then made fun of the girls. Now, a very interesting observation is that, in this entire episode, he has never passed a single lewd remark, or made any obscene gesture. He has done nothing, which can actually be construed as actual sexual harassment. But, even this is sexual harassment. And I do not need a pair of ovaries, and a dose of estrogen to come to this conclusion. In the events that have unfolded in the past 5 months, the actions of MCP and his two bit sidekick, SS, have been more or less influenced by the fact, they Mridul and Aparajita are two girls, normal girls, neither bitchy nor meek. He behaves so, because, maybe, he sees them as not worthy of competing against him, or his bloated ego cannot digest a challenge from the fairer and apparently weaker sex.This was one man. Now for some more.In this team, all the girls, the ones who were lucky enough to get allocated got testing, as compared to the guys, who got development. Testing is commonly perceived as a job beneath the dignity of any coder worth his salt. But in a company, where most of the employees have not studied CS as their major, most of them are not coders.

So the assignment should be done purely on the basis of their performance in the training program, and not on their sex. But, the girls get testing, not because they are not good at coding, but because they are girlsWhat some guys actually think about the role of the female members the team – To act as a stress buster, for the overworked male colleague, by letting them flirt with them anytime they want, objects to practice their macho act on and an interesting way to engage yourself when at leisure.There was a team meeting in which the members were supposed to write down suggestions and ideas to improve the performance of the project. Our troika attended that meeting as well, even though they were not contributing towards the project. As they had no idea about what actually was going on, Mridul and Aparajita, could not have possibly come up with any idea or suggestion. So while they stared at their blank post-its, it caught the attention of senior male colleague. Initially, he coaxed them to write something. And soon it turned into a game, where another team member joined them, and unloaded a pile of post-its. They took verbal jabs at them, had fun at their expense, and shared this awesome in-joke. And guess what, M.C. Pakhandi, and S. Swine were nowhere around. Sexist? Or I am over imaginative?Personally, I would thrash guys like MCP and SS within inches of their lives, but that would not do anyone any good. His complex, his antagonism towards woman, in general or particular would only increase. I just don’t how can people like these be cured.Now that the story is over, some of you may challenge the neutrality of the story teller, i.e. yours truly. For the past 5 months, whenever I heard their stories, Mr. Pakhandi was never the villain. He was just a male colleague, sometimes very irritating and obnoxious, and un-co-operative, but never the enemy. The girls never saw him in that light till I pointed it out, and they gave an unbiased account, telling it as it happened . As I said before, the realization that something sexist was going on was sudden, and hence, the story.It is high time the girls kicked some serious MCP ass. I hope they get his balls as a trophy.

Shri Baby also mentioned that the education department would look into and give special attention to those schools who have performed the worst, at least 4 schools, from the bottom of the list, and ensure that any shortcoming by way of academic or infrastructure requirements are attended to, so that the students may be brought up, on par.

While all this was inspiring, the atmosphere at home was a little tense, as we needed to know some childrens’ results and the websites just refused to open. Finally, after more than an hour, relentlessly hounding all the browsers I have, IE, Firefox, and Google Chrome, one window on Firefox [yayyy! I love firefox!] opened with the result longed for!

The name was right, Revathy Narayanan, Roll No. was right… And she drew in a deep breath, proceeding to the marklist. English, 59, C+, (a sigh, quiet, but heavy!), GFC -General Foundation Course- better 76, B+, MLT -Medical Lab. Technician course- Practicals, a whopping 140 out of 150, and 48 out of 50, A+ in both, Chemistry and Physics, 78, B+, and Biology was 67, B grade.

Oh! Ok. That is an average performance, given the fact that papers would have been easy, and of course the fact that tuitions galore should have enhanced the performance in at least the science subjects? That would be one’s normal reaction, in this day and age of competitive, fierce competitive examinations, and preparations!

But no, not this time. I sat back and looked at the screen, Revathy, chewing her nails, a bit unhappy, her mother not quite sure of how precisely the results had turned out; to say I felt proud of her at that moment was an understatement. Why so, you might ask, given this well, just above average performance?

Let me take you back a couple of years, for that. Revathy had just completed her 10th. Results time again. Grades only this time, and she managed A+ grades in most, with only an A grade, and a couple of B+ grades. So? Did she not perform less satisfactorily this time then? Absolutely not.

Let me explain. Revathy is the daughter, the elder daughter, of Chandrika who helps me at home (I do not like to mention domestic help, because for me she is and has always been, in these last 13 years, family ). Chandrika works at our place, and two other houses, battling odds like opposition from her relatives, her husband who used to, till a few months ago, drink and abuse his family, and so called well-meaning neighbours who never forgot to take pot shots at her, esp. when she dressed well, and ensured her kids had education. Government schools, and travelling by public transport, but good education nonetheless. But, sadly no tuition. For she could not afford it. I did call Revathy, and told her to find a suitable place to go for tuitions in any subject, and that I would take care of it, but she simply said that it was Ok, and she would manage. She did. Awesomely!

So, you see, today, when she proved to me again, Revathy, ie, that believing in oneself, working towards an objective, no matter where you are, is the stuff inspiration is made of. She inspires. She shows me the way, as her mother has, several times, when I was down because of nastiness I have encountered here and there.

She shows me that impossible is really nothing. That being a girl, in an underprivileged background is nothing. That it is all there for the taking, only one has to reach out and take it with both hands. One has to want it, and one has to be it. And being a girl, who was supposed to be a domestic help like her mother had nothing to do with it.

Back to the moment of the results. As I had mentioned, she was unhappy about the C+, but I just glossed over it, congratulating her, and sending her off. A few minutes later her mother called to ask me to speak to her, as she felt she compared poorly, with her fellow classmates. What could I tell her?

So I asked her if anyone of them did not go for tuitions. The answer was No. All of them did.
Did they have a father who really was not bothered? No.
Did they have to learn each bit of their course, all on their own, with no outside help? No.

Then, I told her, my very dearest girl, why you’re the best there is. I told her how proud I was, much more that my own children, whose results anyway could have been way better! And I told her that finally it was all within. See, I said, how that wanting to do the best you could has brought you here? Low grades in English don’t mean a thing, it’s just a number, a letter.

And please, I told her, please, let us look upward, and ahead, because what has happened has… and nothing can change that! But a positive, and strong outlook ahead will make even miracles seem like child’s play! I thought I heard a tiny sigh at the other end. I hope it was one of relief I am sure though, that it must have been the fact that I was about to end the call, that made her sigh

Whatever be that, I know that I am so so proud of this young girl, who defies fate, and shows us, that being the best you can be is not about gender or circumstance. It is about who you are, and want to be!

Thank you, Revathy, and thank you Chandrika. Now, you’re a wonderful mother, much more than you will ever know yourself to be And now you too are famous

God bless you, always

Post Script: Chandrika’s younger child is a boy, who she wanted to have, so badly, because she faced endless jibes about having a daughter. The young man has just completed his 10th, a little rogue, is his mother’s worry , in caps.. , but an affectionate chap who really means well. His grades too were above average, but nothing to match his sister’s performance in the 10th. But to have achieved that much is to his credit, though he did go for tuitions, in most subjects

This is an impromptu post, really, and as usual I have rambled

However…
It’s been a day of much upliftment, and joy, all around!

12 May, 2009

[Written by Usha Pisharody]

[Celebrating Women's Day]

You can do almost anything you put your mind to…

You can swim the deepest ocean and climb the highest peak…

Be a Doctor or fly a plane…

You can face adversity and still walk tall.

You are strong, beautiful, and compassionate and much more than words could ever say!

Today is yours, and so is every other day…

Happy Women’s Day!

[We are celebrating Women’s Day with this real story of a brave Indian mother shared by a blogger who wants to remain anonymous. The story is posted as is with minor editing.

It is appreciation like this which helps us to go forward with this little initiation we refer to as ‘NO gender inequality’.

Thank you friend for sharing this with us.]

Our mother raised us with little support from a dad who was suffering mental depression. In a way it proved to be a blessing in disguise, I guess. We realized that mom was by no means a lady inferior to men; she earned all her life and raised three unbelievably mischievous kids alone almost.

Sold a house in a big city to settle for a smaller and a less expensive town where she was born. She wanted to live in a town where no relatives lived, all had shifted to bigger cities. Far and alone, independent and smart enough to build a bungalow, a property that would give her shelter and shield her and her kids and her husband from the world which even wanted to separate them.

She was the 4th child in her family born at 11 months, born in August a year after the independence, a child not planned, her eldest sister was married by the time she arrived, two brothers, the youngest being 11 years older to her. Due to late birth she was born with a deformity, one hand short that got entangled in the intestines in her mothers womb.

Her sister committed suicide after giving birth to 3 kids who later became friends of their Maasi… almost the same age all of them.

It was in 1948, her birth year her dad started a business which went on to become so successful that in those days they became the richest.

Her mother didn’t want her to continue college after school but the eldest brother, a bit of a rebel fought the family and got her into college in nearby city and even an admission in hostel.

In her days in college is when she realized her true self… that she existed…. that she had a life….

When she graduated, this girl, daughter of a multi millionaire family had to be married off… she didn’t want to marry but when the eldest brother talked her into it she agreed.

She knew since she didn’t have a hand, an alliance wasn’t going to come so soon and if it would come it would be coz of her family not her. Still it was this brother who fought for her, she felt she had to listen to him. The younger brother wanted her to not marry but the elder brother too strong, too dominant and too much respected wanted her to.

She did have a few emotions for a couple of guys in college but her handicap would ensure she would never feel comfortable or at ease with them.

Alliance and alliance would go by nothing would work because of her deformity. She was sure she wouldn’t marry someone who was marrying her for her money or family status. Eventually my dad a poor man lived in a hut literally agreed. He was impressed by her snooty attitude that mom used to put on to put off guys. Eventually Mom realized he was too poor to take care of her.

When she questioned it was told that her parents would buy her a flat, everything she needed and dad would be helped. He was a young commercial designer from a big city college, qualified but poor.

Eventually the marriage took place; the flat was bought for them in a suburb near to the eldest brother’s house far from where dad lived. Despite dad not wanting it they wanted to protect the sister from dad’s 2 younger brothers who were also in the same poor boat, qualified but poor they would use the house if they stayed in the same vicinity.

Soon they had a son, although the mother and the father both had longed for a girl even thought of a name. A boy was born and their aspirations of a daughter led to two more boys.

For a while things were ok. Her mother in law was a very good lady however she didn’t like the idea of staying with the son in his wife’s house so often would go back to the hut of the two younger brothers. Dad was mighty attached with his mom and he didn’t like this. This all was affecting him slowly. Dad separated from his friends, who would also taunt him about marrying a very rich girl, about toeing her.

All this humiliation was tough on him. He couldn’t work, couldn’t identify, would fight with mom, got violent a couple of times, left the eldest kid at a bus-stop in a bit city, miraculously he was found. He was even sent to a mental asylum…electric Shocks…. and what not….

It was at this stage a relative, an uncle of mum, told her to get out of the big city, away from the relatives, the eldest brother agreed. She with three kids in a week’s time when she was not sure what to do and what not she left for a small town for a job in a hostel run by that uncle for the communities girls… Mom was BA. Bed.

She went away, her husband not knowing where the kids and his wife were. For four years she lived in tatters although the girls in the hostel were to become her best friends. She always was not sure what was happening. Finally one day, Dad found her out and came to meet us. This was when the youngest of us three brothers just once spelt out, Mom can’t we all stay together. I cursed my brother for that because I hated Dad and felt sorry for Mom. Eventually Dad would again lose it.

But Mom somehow gathered the courage and put her foot down for the first time over her elder brother and told him that Dad was staying with us. She decided to go back to her home town where no one knew of our past, about dad’s past most importantly. She thought she could revive everything.

Once in the small town she sold her big city flat and built a bungalow. Probably living 4 years away from the influence of relatives had made her think, independently at that. This time she was clear in her mind. She started tuitions as she didn’t want to leave the house to dad. She stayed home, did tuitions from 7 in the morning at our house to 11, cooked and would again get back to tuitions from 2 to 7 in the evening again cook. The three kids would keep eating piles of rotis and this lady with one hand would cook and make rotis for everyone including her husband.

Dad mellowed down but was never able to work. He would assist in the kitchen and in the tuitions but he would have a spell or too when he would lose once in a while in a year or so. Eventually the three sons graduated, Mom exhausted all her savings of the flat of big city in raising these kids. In the nick of time I started contributing and so followed the two little ones a few years later.

In my life there is no great hero. I have the greatest heroine…. It is my Mother. For us three kids it was always Mom… and nobody else….

If this wouldn’t teach me that a woman is equal or even stronger then I don’t know what would.

I don’t know why I am writing this to you guys. I actually am a little weepy at the moment but anyways, just wanted to tell you girls that what you have started is a wonderful thing. Strangely this just kept getting longer and longer…

I just hope people will understand, realize that women and men are two different sexes and nothing more. There is nothing better or superior or inferior involved in this. Most still don’t understand but unless efforts like yours are made, they never will.

Meet Chutki…..go here to see her playing to her heart’s content.
She will steal your heart…..I guarantee you that…..
Just don’t steal her life……and all that is rightfully hers…

Another Chutki could have been someone’s daughter….
But she was killed before she was even born…

This Chutki too,is a product of someone’s imagination,an animation on the computer ,nothing more…
For,she too ,battles to come into this world….
She is fighting to be born…
To be someone’s daughter..
A family that will not just love her but make her feel cherished too….

Daughters….so much has been written about them…
Here in India,daughters ,those of us who were lucky enough to be born, are fighting a battle so that daughters continue to be born in the years to come..

In this land, where women have been blessed since ages with ”सौ पुत्रवती भव ”(May you be blessed with a hundred sons) ……the battle ..nay, the war becomes even tougher..

But it is not just about the girls who are being killed even as we speak,still in the womb,not allowed even a glimpse of this world.Not even a breath.

It is also about those girls who are killed immediately after they are born.Female infanticide they call it.
If ,however ,the girl is lucky enough to escape these two hells,then she has more lying in wait for her.’
Malnutrition,a bias towards her, and preferential treatment for her brothers,’dowry death ‘awaits her after she gets married.
These are the missing women of India.

This is the tale of a society so grotesque,one that worships millions of goddesses everyday and yet murders its daughters without even a qualm.

Human populations in most countries have a natural gender ratio of about a 100 men to 105 women.In 1986, based on an average expected ratio for third world countries (which was slightly reduced from that for developed countries), the Nobel Laureate, Dr. Amartya Sen, calculated that approximately 37 million women were “missing” from India. These were women who should have been part of the population but could not be accounted for.

The term “missing,” first used by Dr. Sen actually means eliminated.

The elimination however continued, even escalated. Now, 22 years later, it is estimated about 50 Million Women have been systematically purged from India’s population, targeted only because they were female. This is perhaps what makes it one of the worst genocides in human history. And it is silent. And ongoing. The causes of this elimination are primarily female foeticide, female infanticide and dowry murders.because to call them simply deaths absolves the ‘murderers’ of all blame.
All the three links above are videos.
Information courtesy- http://50millionmissing.wordpress.com/

Click here to sign the petition.

According to the UNFPA, some startling and shocking facts have come to light.

-A national decline from 945 to 927 in the number of girls per 1,000 boys aged 0-6 between 1991 and 2001.
-A “grave” situation in states like Punjab, Haryana, Himachal Pradesh and Gujarat, where the ratio has “drastically declined” to fewer than 800 girls for every 1,000 boys.
-A low child sex ratio in certain districts, including the South West District of Delhi, which are “amongst the most prosperous in the country”.
-Infact , a most disturbing fact has come to light.It has been found that even with increasing education, the practice of female foeticide has increased rather than decreased.Clearly education on its own is not of much use if it is also not followed by a change in mindsets.

The sex ratio in India is one of the most pathetic ones in the world.

Click on the picture to enlarge it

The technique of ultrasound was developed so as to be able to monitor the health of the foetus.But in India,the technique started being used more and more ,for determining the sex of the foetus.

-Indian laws prohibit sex selection.Prenatal determination of sex through ultrasound is also illegal in India. These laws are instituted to combat the prevalent practice of sex-selective abortion
-In India, the payment of a dowry was prohibited in 1961 under Indian civil law and subsequently by Sections 304B and 498a of the Indian Penal Code were enacted to make it easier for the wife to seek redress from potential harassment by the husband’s family.

Why then do we see this skewed sex ratio today?
Lets look at the statistics.
71000 children are born in India everyday.Out of these,only 31000 are girls.
In a recent survey,it was found that urban areas reported more cases of female foeticide than rural ones.

In Punjab ,the number of eligible females is so low that men have no one left to marry.
They now have to head towards the states of Kerala and Tamilnadu to look for brides.
In Madhya pradesh, the ratio of females per 1000 males stands at 815,in Rajasthan it is 859,in Himachal Pradesh it is 789,in Haryana it stands at 780.

And what of our religious texts?What do they say on the matter?
Manusmriti states clearly,”She is a true wife who has borne a son.”
Atharva Veda is even more categorical when it states,“The birth of a girl grant elsewhere, here grant a son.”
”Even dharamputra, the Hindu practice of lighting a parent’s funeral pyre, requires that rite to be initiated by a son in order for that parent to ascend to heaven. ”
”Hindu personal law is the key driving factor for son preference as it privileges Hindu males with economic, spiritual, political, and social advantages not equally accorded to Hindu females.”
”Although Hindu law officially provides daughters with equal access to property under the Hindu Succession Act of 1956, that law is easily superceded by several edicts of Hindu religious law. ”
”For example, a woman’s access to property is dependent on her father’s consent, whereas all Hindu sons have indisputable access to family property. Hindu law also notes that married women have absolutely no rights to reside on family property after marriage. ”
Information Courtesy http://www.sawnet.org/articles/Son_preference.html

A son is looked up to as a ‘protector’ of his parents in their old age.
Whereas a daughter is looked upon as a burden,as someone who needs to be protected.
Sons are seen as someone who will bring money and riches,while daughters are looked at as those who will drain the family resources in the form of ‘dowry’,yet another ugly and hideous practice prevalent in India.
In other words ,daughters are seen as a liability.

Is it any wonder then that this mindset is so deeply ingrained in India and its people since generations?

Despite having a law against dowry in place,the number of dowry deaths are increasing day by day.It is estimated that a dowry death occurs in India every 93 minutes.

Of what use are such laws ,if they are not enforced with complete ‘State will’ ?
Laws in India have just remained on paper,mere words that seek to make a mockery of the very objectives of the Constitution of India.

Universal Declaration of Human Rights (1948), particularly the crux of Article 1 states that, “All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.”

But that equality is missing in India.
It is this wish for sons that has resulted in this severely skewed sex ration that we see in India today.
In an independent paper,the Centre for advocacy and research has warned of the consequences that this increasing female foeticide will lead to.
It warns that there will be more violent attacks on women.Women will be forced to be the wife of more than one man.

In a country ,where the woman looks towards the man for making every little decision in her life,where she has no rights over her own body,where she is constantly berated, even divorced or worse burnt ,all because she cannot produce a heir, a ‘waaris’ to carry the ‘khaandaan‘ forward……is it any wonder that she wishes for a son?
In a country, which is pre dominantly patriarchal in nature,women have always been treated as second class citizens.Women have very little or no say in matters that affect them.

A country, where feminism has not even been understood properly in all its connotations let alone be applied…and already it has been shunned…discarded like so much garbage.
Women are breaking new barriers everyday.Reaching yet new milestones.Flying higher than ever before.
Those who have been fortunate enough to be born that is.

pic courtesy www.bharat-rakshak.com/…/Article35.html

They will fight for all that is ours…..
They will heal…
They will teach new generations…..
They will be carers,nurturers,doctors,lawyers,soldiers,professors….
They will keep this world safe for those not yet born….
But first, just let them be born…..

In a country ,where blessings for sons have been present since ages and where none exist for daughters,it is time that we made some…
So,next time gather up your courage,challenge some old ,deeply entrenched dogmas and give a blessing from your heart…
”सौ पुत्रीवती भव ”
”May you be blessed with a hundred daughters”

Believe me,no one will be as grateful as the one for whom you have spoken…

Imagine a world without the girl child….or are we already close to making this a horrendous reality?

Female Foeticide:-Consequences:A video

Look at them ….’laadli’make them feel it too.. Why wouldn’t one want them..Don’t they steal your heart ever so stealthily?

Join hands …we need all the hearts to think as one more than ever before….

Movie
1. Matrubhoomi : a nation without women
Director: Manish Jha
Books
1.May You Be the Mother of a Hundred Sons: A Journey Among the Women of India
-Elisabeth Bummiler
For critique of the book ,go here
2.Daughters of India : Art and Identity -Stephen P. Hyler(Take a peek into the lives of Indian women across different cultures,different regions)
3. Anees Jung-. Unveiling India: A Woman’s Journey.
4.’Bride Burning’ Alive and Well in India: Police Say Every Two Hours a Woman Is Killed Over Dowry,’-Gayle Young
5.Reproductive and Sexual Rights: A Feminist Perspective,” – Sonia and Rosalind Petchesky Correa

Chutki’s picture courtesy http://www.womeninanimation.in/blog/?page_id=2

[Written by Indyeah]

With inputs from different virtual spaces, real issues are being faced, challenges are being taken up, and Valentine’s Day is a test of fire, for making a difference here, for women, and indeed for men. We aren’t going to take it anymore. Not from anyone who presumes to dictate to the Indian population what culture, values and morality mean.

Here is what Indyeah is involved in. Joining a protest march in Delhi, on 14th February. Read more on it here, at Namrata’s blog, Stand Up To Moral Policing.

Indian Homemaker, in has plans for all of us, wherever it be. And it’s a pretty pink one! You can read about it on the sidebar of her blog.

And Solilo, though far away in the US, is protesting and adding her voice for Freedom and Equality in her own way, through this wonderful post “Here a Pink, there a drink, everywhere a Pink-Drink“!

Take a look at this, the much spoken about “Pink Chaddi Campaign“, a novel way to ensure a non violent, humourous and novel way to protest and change a tyrant’s mind, and heart!

Here is our team wishing all of these movements, engaged in the sole pursuit of regaining self esteem and dignity of humanity, all success!

Jai Ho, for a sensible, balanced and equal tomorrow!

Women are afraid to say, or even to consider themselves Feminists.

Ask us, do we believe in equal pay for equal work? Yes, who wouldn’t?
Is it a good idea for women to have a choice in who we marry?
What careers we choose?
How we dress?
How many children we have or if do not have any kids at all?
Do we think women should have property rights?
Did we mind when we saw our brothers being given preferential treatment? Yes.

But women aren’t the only ones who are discriminated against. Discrimination against women also becomes a discrimination against our daughters. And indirectly against our sons also.

And we promote inequality when we tell our daughters to ‘Behave like girls!’. Worst possible way women can harm themselves is of course by not letting our daughters be born!

I have seen women feeling proud of having given birth to a boy and ashamed of having a daughter. Can we humiliate ourselves more?

We could begin right there. We can make sure we take pride in our baby girls. Think seriously minus all the conditioning – aren’t they such a delight?

When we bless someone and wish them many sons, don’t promote such biases. Change it to many children …
When we fast for your sons’ long lives, We must sure instead to fast for all your children.
When we are concerned about our daughter’s safety if she wishes to go out late in the evening, don’t let us make her feel it’s her fault, let’s tell her the world is bad, caution her, of course, but don’t EVER let her think she is weak. The weakness is first and foremost in the mind. Girls raised to be bold grow up into bold citizens.

If we bully her into submission she will be abused. That’s how the world is. We are strong and we are respected. We grovel and we are kicked. Let her get used to her freedom and raise her to have an opinion, let her know she counts. We’ll see her maintaining these basic standards all her life.

A secure and confident girl will be neither aggressive nor submissive. Help her grow into a balanced adult. We will also be doing your sons a favour. He will grow up respecting us , not just his sister. Because boys are not fools, when we favour them they can see the injustice of it, and even if they enjoy the perks they lose respect …

They will understand that being a feminist does not mean you hate men, it just means you hate injustice. And since they have seen equality at home, they will know empowering women does not mean dis-empowering men.

[Written by Indian Homemaker]